


Reading the minds of Everlark

by lupita86



Category: Hunger Games Series - All Media Types, Hunger Games Trilogy - Suzanne Collins, The Hunger Games (Movies)
Genre: F/M, Implied/Referenced Suicide
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-21
Updated: 2016-08-15
Packaged: 2018-05-22 08:30:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,887
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6072250
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lupita86/pseuds/lupita86
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>My take on what happened pre and post epilogue in Mockingjay, ever point of view is inspired by a song either by Adele or Sam Smith and maybe some other singer.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. La La La - Love in the Dark

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoy this new story, I kinda wrote during a personal emergency and was depressed listening to all of Adele's albums as well as Sam's.
> 
> DISCLAIMER: I own absolutely nothing from the hunger games or the songs and lyrics of the respective artists, much less profit from it, this is just for personal entertainment and maybe some of yours as well.
> 
> CHEERS!

**La La La – Sam Smith**

 

A loud explosive like sound resonates in the distance as the smell of burnt meat and smoke invade my nostrils, I open my eyes…

 

_White walls, white door, white clothes, white bed, white linings, no windows. There is nothing to look at and if I close my eyes I feel pain, I hear the shouts and the insults, I see fire, I see people screaming, I see my family burn but the mightiest of my fear comes in the form of the woman I once loved, the woman I would have given my life for…_

 

I hear her voice from a distant memory…

 

_“Peeta! Peeta!... *sobbing* … NO!_

I get confused as a chill runs down my back, her voice changes, its dark and evil; my broken and lovely Katniss is gone replaced by someone of another nature…

**_Let him die! He must die! He means nothing to me! Let him rot here! Stupid fool, he shouldn’t have followed me to the games. He has to die! DIE!_ **

 

NO! STOP! NOT REAL! This isn’t real, is it?

_-“Hush, don't speak_

_When you spit your venom, keep it shut I hate it_

_When you hiss and preach_

_About your new messiah 'cause your theories catch fire”-_

****

Pictures flash through my mind, Katniss smiling, crying, growling, shouting, determined, evil, beautiful, kind, decided, worried, dying, sleeping but… which one is real and which one is not?

 

**_Die Peeta!_ ** _Peeta!? You were dead! Your heart stopped!_

**_You should have died! Why didn’t you die!?_ **

_-“I can't find your silver lining_

_I don't mean to judge_

_But when you read your speech, it's tiring_

_Enough is enough”-_

**_STOP MUTT!!! STOP! Please stop! This can’t be real! Katniss!_ **

 

My nails have dug deep into my skin, I want this to stop, I need this to go away, it hurts, it confuses me, and it overwhelms me!

 

NOT REAL!

_-“I'm covering my ears like a kid_

_When your words mean nothing, I go la la la_

_I'm turning up the volume when you speak_

_'Cause if my heart can't stop it,_

_I'll find a way to block it, I go_

_La la, la la la la la na na na na na_

_La la na na, la la la la la na na na na na,_

_I'll find a way to block it, I go_

_La la na na, la la la la la na na na na na,_

_La la na na, la la la la la na na na na na”-_

 

I must remember my real enemy, it’s not Katniss. It can’t be. The capitol they did this to me. I used to force my eyes open when they tortured me with Katniss to no avail, I used to wish I could yell out, but if I did they would beat me, electrocute me, laugh and humiliate me.

 

Another wave of images invades along with a voice much like my own whispering…

 

_I hate her.  She did this to me, betrayed me, and left me behind. She destroyed everything dear to me. She is a mutt, she was always a mutt. I need to kill her; I strongly wish she were dead!_

 

NO! NOT REAL!

 

I feel that my nails have now cut my skin, I wish the false memories away, I’m crying. Katniss! I breath… “KATNISS!”

 

More memories invade and jumble my thoughts and feelings. I need to determine and separate real from not real…

 

_Don’t go yet. Not until I fall asleep… Stay with me…_

_STAY… STAY WITH HER? STAY…              ALWAYS!!!!_

REAL!

_She feels soft in my arms, I know she just had a nightmare, of what? I do not know, we are on the train heading to the capitol for our second games. She smells of whatever soap she uses and linens. She is warm and small in my arms, her arms tighten around my neck as I plant a forbidden kiss on her neck, but she doesn’t protest. She is my everything. I could never live on knowing she died, I love her! I will do anything so she can go back home to her loved ones._

I loosen my grip, REAL!

_I love her, this feels so right, it is late afternoon and we are on the rooftop, her hair is soft and beautiful, I never want this moment to end, time is running out, I have so little time left with her._

_“I wish I could freeze this moment, right here, right now, and live in it forever.”_

_“Okay”_

_“Then you’ll allow it?”_

_“I’ll allow it.”_

REAL!

_-“_ _If our love is running out of time_

_I won't count the hours, rather be a coward_

_When our worlds collide_

_I'm gonna drown you out before I lose my mind”-_

She is not the enemy, it was Snow and his people, I will protect her from them! She needs me!

_I can't find your silver lining_

_I don't mean to judge_

_But when you read your speech, it's tiring_

_Enough is enough_

She is not my enemy! She is Katniss, my hunger games partner, my friend, my lover, my fellow victor and my ally, Snow is our enemy… he was our enemy I have to heal! I must get back to her; I have to shut out the false memories. She needs me!

 

REAL!

 

Another wave of doubtful and capitol built memories try to pry into my mind and overwhelm me, I shall not permit this, I must get back to Katniss, she would never abandon me …

 

_“Leave me, I can’t hang on.”_

_“Yes. You can!”_

_“I’m losing it. I’ll go mad. Like them.”_

_…_

_“Don’t let them take you from me.”_

_“No. I don’t want to…”_

_“Stay with me.”_

_“ALWAYS”_

 

I close my eyes and make an effort to control the memories…

 

I must push the memories away and get a hold of my bearings, I know with each passing day I get better and better, I unfurl my fingers as I take a deep breath. I concentrate and the made up pictures start to fade. I open my eyes again.

 

I’m sitting on Dr. Aurelius’ fancy sofa, the room comes into view, not white but elegantly decorated with soft pastel colors. Dr. Aurelius looks at me smiling.

 

“Good! Good Peeta! You overcame your flashback in record time and with little to almost no damage, I think you’re ready to go back.”

 

“Really?”

 

“Why yes, it has been a couple of months now since you’ve controlled your flashbacks.”

 

I smile, “when can I leave doctor?”

 

“Well I don’t see why we should wait a day more.”

 

I stand excitedly, “thank you doctor, thank you so much!”

 

“Nothing to thank my boy, I’ll speak to our authorities announcing your release and permission to leave and go wherever you wish.”

 

I smile, “I guess I’ll go.”

 

I walk to the door, “Peeta!” I stop and look back, “Send my greeting to Katniss shall you, and please tell her to answer my calls, I can´t keep up the pretense.”

 

I nod to him and leave.

 

I’m going back home, back to Katniss, back to protecting each other. The capitol will not take me from her!

 

_-“I'm covering my ears like a kid_

_When your words mean nothing, I go la la la_

_I'm turning up the volume when you speak_

_'Cause if my heart can't stop it,_

_I'll find a way to block it, I go”-_

_La la, la la la la la na na na na na_

_La la na na, la la la la la na na na na na,_

_I find a way to block it, I go_

_La la, la la la la la na na na na na_

_La la na na, la la la la la na na na na na,_

_I find a way to block it, oh_

_La la, la la la la la na na na na na_

_La la na na, la la la la la na na na na na,_

_I find a way to block it, I go_

_La la na na, la la la la la na na na na na,_

_La la na na, la la la la la na na na na na”-_

 

**Love in the Dark - Adele**

 

Drip, drip, drip, drip… I watch as the drops fall from the faucet sitting to one side of the tub, if someone were to see me now, there would be no better word to describe me than _FILTHY_ , I can’t seem to remember the last time I bathed or showered although I really don’t care.

 

I hurt, I feel an intense sense of pain but it is not physical, the pain comes from my chest and sometimes it’s so intense I feel I can’t breathe or move. The pain never goes away and it’s been increasing with every damn and dull day here in twelve. The empty house doesn’t help in the minimum; on the contrary it seems to feed it, especially every time I walk past HER room. I want it to go away and that is why I now sit here with my skinning knife held tightly in my hand.

I can’t stand it anymore; I want it to go away so much, the pain, the memories, the fire… I tighten my grip on the handle of my knife, what’s stopping me? I’m alone in this house, no one other than Haymitch or Sae come by from time to time. My mother is far, Gale is gone…

 

_“Katniss!”_

 

I can’t anymore, this is something I can’t overcome, in some way I now understand my mother and her illness. I close my eyes and try to block out HER voice, but it’s even worse because now I can see her big blue eyes staring at me…

 

_“Katniss!”_

_“I’ll be alright Katniss. But you have to take care too!”_

 

I shake my head and open my eyes, but there she is sitting on the other side of the tub, staring intensely at me, those blue eyes are pleading, asking me.

 

“I can’t” I croak

 

Her look intensifies, and suddenly they change slightly, I gasp, now it’s not her but HIM staring back at me…

 

_“Katniss”_

_“It’s no use pretending we don’t know what the other is trying to do.”_

A tear escapes and takes a path down my face, why can’t they leave me alone, I can’t, I just can’t, their eyes shift and change between HIM and HER, but their look is the same, pleading. STOP! Please stop!

 

_Take your eyes off of me so I can leave_

_I'm far too ashamed to do it with you watching me_

_This is never ending, we have been here before_

_But I can't stay this time cause I don't love you anymore_

_Please stay where you are_

_Don't come any closer_

_Don't try to change my mind_

_I'm being cruel to be kind_

_I can't love you in the dark_

_It feels like we're oceans apart_

_There is so much space between us_

_Maybe we're already defeated_

_Ah-yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah everything changed me_

 

I never wanted anything to do with all this, I’m sobbing now as the pain intensifies, let it go away, allow me to eliminate it completely, but their eyes are relentless.

 

“Why? Why are you doing this now?”

 

His stare change from pleading to love, I whimper, don’t look at me like that…

 

_“If you die, and I live, there’s no life for me at all back in District Twelve. You’re my whole life,”_

“I can’t be, I have nothing anymore, the Katniss you once knew is gone, burned away when those bombs fell.”

HIS eyes fill up with tears, and look at me sadly, pleading again.

 

“STOP! JUST STOP!” I groan, “You’re not even here! You’re not even the Peeta I knew!” I choke on my last words, the capitol and the war changed us beyond recovery, there is nothing we can do, and there is no other way.

 

_“Katniss”_

 

“NO PEETA!” I have slipped from the tub’s ledge into a sobbing heap on the floor.

 

_“KATNISS!”_

 

“you’re not here and even if you come back, there is nothing left in me, no desire, no fight and not even love…”

 

His eyes sadden then change to hers, I close my eyes and will them away.

 

“LEAVE ME ALONE!”

 

_You have given me something that I can't live without_

_You mustn't underestimate that when you are in doubt_

_But I don't want to carry on like everything is fine_

_The longer we ignore it all the more that we will fight_

_Please don't fall apart_

_I can't face your breaking heart_

_I'm trying to be brave_

_Stop asking me to stay_

_I can't love you in the dark_

_It feels like we're oceans apart_

_There is so much space between us_

_Maybe we're already defeated_

_Ah-yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah everything changed me_

His face transforms, we’re back in thirteen, he is snarling at me, yelling at me, trying to kill me. I sob uncontrollably, as I drag myself out of the bathroom to the sofa. Peeta hates me, he doesn’t love me anymore.

 

_“Katniss”_

 

The voice has changed, I open my eyes immediately, as grey encounter green, and he is smiling his usual cocky self, lying parallel to me on the floor. He looks relaxed and curious.

 

_“Katniss”_

 

My friend is here, he stares at me for a long time, “how can I bear it Finnick? The pain is just too much.”

 

_“You don’t, Katniss! You just have to drag yourself out of it and not give in to it.”_

_“It takes ten times as long to put yourself back together as it does to fall apart.”_

 

“It’s just too much!”

 

Finnick’s face changes to a grimace and then I see it, that moment in the shaft, his head being yanked back, I cry out hysterically, “Finnick!”

 

_We're not the only ones_

_I don't regret a thing_

_Every word I've said_

_You know I'll always mean_

_It is the world to me_

_That you are in my life_

_But I want to live_

_And not just survive_

_That's why I can't love you in the dark_

_It feels like we're oceans apart_

_There is so much space between us_

_Maybe we're already defeated_

The images grow from grim to horrible, now I’m in the capitol, the parachutes are falling and I try to run and scream for Prim before she meets her fate, but I can’t move nor speak, only tears and sobbing escape me.

 

I stand still and in horror watch again as the fire engulfs my dear sister, my dear Prim, my beloved sister. Everything goes in slow motion torturing me with more gruesome details of her death, in the distance I hear Coin’s cackle and Snow’s chuckle.

 

Again I am helpless as I watch as my heart is burnt to ashes, the rest of me blackened by the fire.

 

“PRIM!”

 

_Cause ah-yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah everything changed me_

_And I-I-I-I-I don't think you can save me_

In a swirl of grey and black, I drift on and off from an uneasy sleep, my last dream being me lying down in a dirt hole, the faces of my loved ones stare down at me, as each one takes turns throwing me shovels of ashes, I cry, choke and plead them to stop, when suddenly I wake to a shoveling sound outside…


	2. Chasing pavements

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: I do not own in any way (though I wish I did) anything remotely related with the hunger games or its characters, the same goes for Adele songs... gosh I wish I had her voice T.T...
> 
> I hope you enjoy. And your comments are much awaited, thanks to anyone who clicked on this story.
> 
> CHEERS!

**Chasing Pavements**

 

The train travels swiftly and fast on the track, I’m heading back to 12, back home, or what is left of it. According to what some people told me back at the capitol there is nothing left. My family died in the bombing and what was once the merchant part of the district is only rubble, dust and death.

 

I look out the window, I see as we pass a green field, deserted and undisturbed unlike 12, it would be a nice place to live I guess; but to be truthful I want nothing more than to go back, and it’s all because she is there.

 

She became the centre of my world since that day when we were 5, even if my family had lived and probably would have moved to another district, I still would be on this train going back. There is no doubt in my heart that that is my place.

 

I didn’t tell anyone other than Dr. Aurelius about my trip back home, although I guess Haymitch knows somehow. I wonder how she will react to my presence.

 

_-“I've made up my mind,_

_Don't need to think it over_

_If I'm wrong, I am right_

_Don't need to look no further,_

_This ain't lust_

_I know this is love_

_But if I tell the world_

_I'll never say enough_

_'cause it was not said to you_

_And that's exactly what I need to do_

_If I end up with you”-_

 

The sun is barely rising, she must be very sad, Prim is gone and with her Katniss’ last piece of will. I bite my lip, what will happen if she sees me. Her reaction makes me doubt my decision of coming back. She might not have forgiven me for not letting her take that pill.

 

I close my eyes as the memories of her calling out to Gale are small stabs to my heart, but I couldn’t allow it. We protect each other, she said it herself. Her reaction to my return is the only thing that makes me doubt. I know Gale is off in district two continuing with the restoration of the districts; he has abandoned her as well as her mother who moved to district four.

 

Or maybe they know her better. I furrow my brow thinking in concentration.

 

_-“Should I give up?_

_Or should I just keep chasin' pavements_

_Even if it leads nowhere?_

_Or would it be a waste_

_Even if I knew my place?_

_Should I leave it there?_

_Should I give up?_

_Or should I just keep chasin' pavements_

_Even if it leads nowhere?”-_

 

What do I expect returning to victor’s village, most especially from Katniss, surely the games and the war have damaged us beyond repair. Katniss and I are just shells of the people we were.

 

_-“I build myself up_

_And fly around in circles_

_Waitin' as my heart drops_

_And my back begins to tingle_

_Finally, could this be it”-_

I open my eyes again as I see the familiar landscape that indicates the district 12 limits, I am almost home, what will I do once I arrive. Should I go straight home, straight with Haymitch or straight with Katniss.

 

I sigh, as I let my eyes wander all over the train car, suddenly my eyes zoom on a picture hung on the wall, it’s a meadow of some sorts with yellow flowers, an idea starts to form in my head, will she like it or hate me for it.

 

After about 15 minutes the train comes to a stop and I stand to gather my things, I am determined. I can’t allow doubt to confuse me. As I get off no one is there to receive me, although this doesn’t surprise me.

 

At a quick gate I walk to my house at victor’s village, I take the long path home avoiding what I know no longer exists, I can’t take the chance of having a flashback or succumbing to grief, I’m here for her, that is what matters now.

 

I leave my things at my house, surprised by how undisturbed and identical victor’s village is to when we left it all those months ago for the second games. I shake my head, I have a task to do, I have to go to the forest.

 

_-“Or should I give up?_

_Or should I just keep chasin' pavements_

_Even if it leads nowhere?_

_Or would it be a waste_

_Even if I knew my place?_

_Should I leave it there?_

_Should I give up?_

_Or should I just keep chasin' pavements_

_Even if it leads nowhere?”-_

As I reach the forest, I am mesmerized by it, I’ve never been in it knowing that it had been forbidden to us, I small sense of old fear bothers me for a moment making me doubt my entrance, but then I push my fear away, and a new feeling of exhilaration invades me, this is Katniss’ domain, this is where she spent her younger years hunting with Gale.

 

A sadness cuts off my search, does she miss him? Does she wish he were here? What would have happened if Prim had not died, would she have stayed with him?

 

A tear falls to my cheek, I can’t let this control me! I continue to search until by mistake I spot the beautiful yellow flowered bush, I smile and without another thought I dig some up.

 

It takes about an hour to dig the plants from their place and get back to our row of houses.

 

I direct the wheelbarrow straight to Katniss’, I notice the silence and the darkness of her place, I certainly hope this helps. I set the wheelbarrow down and set myself to work digging and scraping. Again I’m doubtful of this plan, will she like them? Will she hate me?

 

_-“Should I give up?_

_Or should I just keep on chasin' pavements_

_Even if it leads nowhere?_

_Or would it be a waste_

_Even if I knew my place?_

_Should I leave it there?_

_Should I give up?_

_Or should I just keep on chasin' pavements?_

_Should I just keep on chasin' pavements?_

_Ohh oh”-_

I hear someone running down the stairs and then there she is, shocked at seeing me.

 

“Your back”

 

“Dr. Aurelius wouldn’t let me leave the Capitol until yesterday”

 

Her face takes a scary scowl once I mention the Capitol, so I continue on to another topic, “By the way, he said to tell you he can’t keep pretending he’s treating you forever. You have to pick up the phone.”

 

Her head tilts to the side and now she seems to be observing me from head to toe, so I do the same, she’s very thin and malnourished; my guess is that she hasn’t eaten or bathed in some time.

 

My scrutiny seems to make her bring up her walls and ask me all of a sudden, “What are you doing?”

 

I remember my task and breathe, this is it, “I went to the woods this morning and dug these up. For her.”

 

Katniss looks at the bushes and a series of expressions cross her face, first being anger, damn I shouldn’t have done this, she hates me more now. But suddenly her face softens when she registers them properly.

 

Without another word she gives me a nod and enters the house again. I exhale loudly, I guess she liked them. I smile. We still have hope.

 

I smile one more time and then set myself back to work, I guess me coming back isn’t a lost cause.

_should I give up?_

_Or should I just keep chasin' pavements_

_Even if it leads nowhere?_

_Or would it be a waste_

_Even if I knew my place?_

_Should I leave it there?_

_should I give up?_

_Or should I just keep chasin' pavements_

_Even if it leads nowhere?_

 

Yes, I definitely made the right decision.


End file.
